24 weeks

I'm about to get on my soapbox, so beware.  This post is really more a therapy session for me...so sorry if it's long and makes no sense what so ever. 

You know when you have one of those moments where something happens and all of the sudden daily annoyances of life, all the stress of the previous month, and any other negative feelings that you can otherwise dismiss come flooding out through every pore of your body.  I categorize these moments into 'emotional meltdowns' or 'complete breakdowns'.  An 'emotional meltdown' is like {for example} when you're driving home from dinner and you start thinking about the day you have to go back to work after being on maternity leave for 4 months with your sweet baby girl.  You have to drop off your infant love with a total stranger and go to work and actually function knowing she is in the care of some random.  Before you know it, you're driving down the road, tears streaming down your eyes.  Emotional breakdowns are mainly in your head...when you think too much.  They're quick and over in minutes.  When you stub your toe and scream an expletive as loud as you can and then you're fine...that's emotional.

Now, a 'complete breakdown' is what I experienced today.  It strums up emotions from a dark place.  They can ruin an entire day...not only yours, but anyone else you come in contact with. 

I had my 24 week doctor's appointment this morning.  At my last docor's appointment I was told that I only had to pay $90 for our "birth plan" which would cover our deductible and the birth of the baby.  Thank god.  We have shelled out $1500 WITH INSURANCE so far, so to know we only had $90 left {plus 20% of any hospital bills} was reassuring.  At the beginning of the year, I changed my $60/mo cheapo insurance plan to the mack daddy $150/mo insurance plan because I was getting tired of the bills rolling in of things the insurance company didn't cover. 

It also must be said on a side note that I do not care for going to the doctor's.  I don't ever feel confident that they know what in the hell they're talking about.  I think they care equally that you are a paying patient with a job and insurance as  they care for your health.  I feel like Americana's with insurance and a job pay for the others that don't.  I know that is probably a horrible outlook, but I just really cannot stand anything related to healthcare.  I avoid doctor's like the plague. {I could write an entire other post on my views regarding this issue, but I'll spare you}

So, I stroll in totally prepared for my 30 minute wait because god for bid they actually call you back even remotely close to your appointment time.  I have my magazine and I'm ready to pay my last $90 and be done with the 'baby bills' for a couple of months.  I hear my name.  Go up to the counter.  "Six hundred and fifty nine dollars".  I just stare at her and start to look behind me like "who are you talking to?".  "What?" I say.  "You have $675 more dollars on your birth contract and you're insurance denied another $300 something dollars worth of previous visits, blood work, etc, so you're portion today is $659".  I calmly say "at my last appointment, the chick confirmed that I only had $90 more to pay".  I start crying.  "No, blah, blah, blah".  I can't even focus on what this woman in front of me is saying. I'm sobbing and shaking and so mad that I could literally pick up the sign-in clipboard and smash it against the side of this girl's face.  I'm trying not to make a scene since all of this is happening at the check in counter with a jam packed waiting room, so I calmy just say "I understand that you've checked all of this out with my insurance company and I owe the money, but do you understand why I'm livid that I was expecting to pay $90 and now you tell me I owe $659 with no notice?  Can you please call me next time there is that much of a difference in what you tell me I owe so I have a little time to prepare".  Get this- the girl behind the counter goes "what is the limit that you want us to call you if it differs?" in her most annoyed voice.  {I'm still crying and I can feel the heat radiating off of my face}.  "If you tell me I have to pay $90 and you figure out that it is actually $90.50, I want you to call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I look at her like she is quite possibly the most ignorant person I've ever come in contact with.  Then I sling my credit card on the counter. 

As I sit there waiting to be called back, I can feel my complete breakdown coming on.  I start thinking about my hatred for the heathcare system.  I run through my long ass list of things I need to do now, during, and after the baby is here.  I think about work.  It all hits me at once.  They call me back. 

It is the appointment where you have to drink that sweet drink to see if you have diabetes.  {it really isn't that bad at all}  The nurse asked me to sign a paper for my HIV test.  I tell her I just had an HIV test.  She said she knew, but that there is the option to get another one now.  AM I BEING PUNKED?!?!?  I'm freaking married and pregnant.  Why in god's name would I need two HIV tests in a matter of 3 months?!?!?  Could it POSSIBLY BE because it costs money and you can bill my insurance company.  NO, I declined the test. 

Back in the waiting area, I hear my name being called again.  I'm ready for a fight.  I whip my head around and this lady is talking about education on cord blood banking.  I watch some videos on the amazing healing powers of banking your kid's cord blood.  Of course, why wouldn't I want to do this.  Then she tells me about the costs.  I was done.  I just asked her if we could discuss this another time.  I knew if I went into it, I would surely regret my words, actions, or both. 

Finally, I made it out.  I got in my car and bawled.  I call Drew.  I cuss and scream and tell him what a crock of poo I think the whole morning has been.  He says he's sorry.  I yell at him that I'm overwhelmed and that I need his help.  Somehow in that moment, it was partially his fault that I had a rotten morning.  I'm still not sure how.  I got home and he was still home.  Normally, I would be elated and soak up every second he is with me.  I walked right past him and went inside.  I knew he was confused and I felt a little guilty, but I just wanted to get inside and not "talk about it".  I walked inside and the house was a mess {we are in the middle of doing so many house projects that there is crap everywhere}.  In the kitchen was a full sink of dishes and one that Drew used this morning freshly soiled on the counter.  I screamed at the top of my lungs, burst into tears, and picked up the plate and slammed it into the sink {it was plastic}.  I just stood in the kitchen for the next couple of seconds fuming about that dirty plate screaming cuss words so loud that every vein in my neck was bulging and I was starting to sweat. 

Then like a blanket suffocating me, every "issue" I've come across in the past month+ came to the surface.  Some as small as wearing the same pair of ill fitting black faded maternity pants 4 days a week and others like finding a childcare service I feel comfortable with that doesn't cost more than my monthly mortgage.   

I continued to have a crappy day wishing I could call into work and just say "I really can't do it today.  I cannot emotionally handle work today", but I sucked it up and went to my afternoon full of meetings. 

I feel better now, but I still feel like as a working wife and mother, we are expected to do so much.  I think it's easy to get overwhelemed and fear that it will just get worse when my newborn baby gets here.  I'm going to make a conscience effort in the next couple of months to come up with a plan for balance.  I'll share my journey with you...

Any ideas on balancing all of the struggles of being a working mom who's husband works alot would be great!  Is there anything you guys have found to make your lives easier and more peaceful? 

Happy Hump Day,
-jd