Do you ever daydream of what you could do with more hours in the day ? I do...
Last night after spending all day cleaning, painting and organizing like a pregnant psycho, I realized a few things:
1. I'm 7 months pregnant and if I push myself past my limits, I will pay in back pain for days
2. My house 'to do list' is not only not going to get done by the time the baby comes, but may never get done {especially since I add to it daily}. I need to start enjoying the journey and stop cramming in a lifetime of work into each weekend. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a good productive weekend, but not to where I'm flipping out if I don't get everything "checked off".
3. Me and my honey need to enjoy these last few remaining Sunday's before our life could quite possibly become complete chaos for a while. We {and by "we", I mean "I"} have been so consumed with what "has" to get done that we barely spend any time just enjoying each other anymore.
I spent all day reflecting on this new found realization and starting thinking about my life. What's really important? What do I need to make time for? If there were just more hours in the day...in a lifetime...what would you want to do? I've started a 'bucket list' of sorts and it goes a little something like this:
1. learn Spanish
2. find a charity, volunteer, and mean it
3. go on a honeymoon
4. paint more...just to paint for the art of it
5. spend a set amount of time each week on my spirituality
6. start practicing yoga
7. teach my baby girl how to be a better person than I am
8. stay positive
9.learn how to sew
10. open a little junk store of my very own
I know it's a little cheesy and I blame that on my pregnancy hormones. I do have my emotional breakdowns, but more often, I am a complete sap ;) It's amazing how being pregnant makes you reflect not only on your life, but also the life you want to create for your new family.
Well, gotta catch up on the bachelor and then take my bath! hee hee
-jd
Showing posts with label P H I L O S O P H I E. Show all posts
Showing posts with label P H I L O S O P H I E. Show all posts
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
24 weeks
I'm about to get on my soapbox, so beware. This post is really more a therapy session for me...so sorry if it's long and makes no sense what so ever.
You know when you have one of those moments where something happens and all of the sudden daily annoyances of life, all the stress of the previous month, and any other negative feelings that you can otherwise dismiss come flooding out through every pore of your body. I categorize these moments into 'emotional meltdowns' or 'complete breakdowns'. An 'emotional meltdown' is like {for example} when you're driving home from dinner and you start thinking about the day you have to go back to work after being on maternity leave for 4 months with your sweet baby girl. You have to drop off your infant love with a total stranger and go to work and actually function knowing she is in the care of some random. Before you know it, you're driving down the road, tears streaming down your eyes. Emotional breakdowns are mainly in your head...when you think too much. They're quick and over in minutes. When you stub your toe and scream an expletive as loud as you can and then you're fine...that's emotional.
Now, a 'complete breakdown' is what I experienced today. It strums up emotions from a dark place. They can ruin an entire day...not only yours, but anyone else you come in contact with.
I had my 24 week doctor's appointment this morning. At my last docor's appointment I was told that I only had to pay $90 for our "birth plan" which would cover our deductible and the birth of the baby. Thank god. We have shelled out $1500 WITH INSURANCE so far, so to know we only had $90 left {plus 20% of any hospital bills} was reassuring. At the beginning of the year, I changed my $60/mo cheapo insurance plan to the mack daddy $150/mo insurance plan because I was getting tired of the bills rolling in of things the insurance company didn't cover.
It also must be said on a side note that I do not care for going to the doctor's. I don't ever feel confident that they know what in the hell they're talking about. I think they care equally that you are a paying patient with a job and insurance as they care for your health. I feel like Americana's with insurance and a job pay for the others that don't. I know that is probably a horrible outlook, but I just really cannot stand anything related to healthcare. I avoid doctor's like the plague. {I could write an entire other post on my views regarding this issue, but I'll spare you}
So, I stroll in totally prepared for my 30 minute wait because god for bid they actually call you back even remotely close to your appointment time. I have my magazine and I'm ready to pay my last $90 and be done with the 'baby bills' for a couple of months. I hear my name. Go up to the counter. "Six hundred and fifty nine dollars". I just stare at her and start to look behind me like "who are you talking to?". "What?" I say. "You have $675 more dollars on your birth contract and you're insurance denied another $300 something dollars worth of previous visits, blood work, etc, so you're portion today is $659". I calmly say "at my last appointment, the chick confirmed that I only had $90 more to pay". I start crying. "No, blah, blah, blah". I can't even focus on what this woman in front of me is saying. I'm sobbing and shaking and so mad that I could literally pick up the sign-in clipboard and smash it against the side of this girl's face. I'm trying not to make a scene since all of this is happening at the check in counter with a jam packed waiting room, so I calmy just say "I understand that you've checked all of this out with my insurance company and I owe the money, but do you understand why I'm livid that I was expecting to pay $90 and now you tell me I owe $659 with no notice? Can you please call me next time there is that much of a difference in what you tell me I owe so I have a little time to prepare". Get this- the girl behind the counter goes "what is the limit that you want us to call you if it differs?" in her most annoyed voice. {I'm still crying and I can feel the heat radiating off of my face}. "If you tell me I have to pay $90 and you figure out that it is actually $90.50, I want you to call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I look at her like she is quite possibly the most ignorant person I've ever come in contact with. Then I sling my credit card on the counter.
As I sit there waiting to be called back, I can feel my complete breakdown coming on. I start thinking about my hatred for the heathcare system. I run through my long ass list of things I need to do now, during, and after the baby is here. I think about work. It all hits me at once. They call me back.
It is the appointment where you have to drink that sweet drink to see if you have diabetes. {it really isn't that bad at all} The nurse asked me to sign a paper for my HIV test. I tell her I just had an HIV test. She said she knew, but that there is the option to get another one now. AM I BEING PUNKED?!?!? I'm freaking married and pregnant. Why in god's name would I need two HIV tests in a matter of 3 months?!?!? Could it POSSIBLY BE because it costs money and you can bill my insurance company. NO, I declined the test.
Back in the waiting area, I hear my name being called again. I'm ready for a fight. I whip my head around and this lady is talking about education on cord blood banking. I watch some videos on the amazing healing powers of banking your kid's cord blood. Of course, why wouldn't I want to do this. Then she tells me about the costs. I was done. I just asked her if we could discuss this another time. I knew if I went into it, I would surely regret my words, actions, or both.
Finally, I made it out. I got in my car and bawled. I call Drew. I cuss and scream and tell him what a crock of poo I think the whole morning has been. He says he's sorry. I yell at him that I'm overwhelmed and that I need his help. Somehow in that moment, it was partially his fault that I had a rotten morning. I'm still not sure how. I got home and he was still home. Normally, I would be elated and soak up every second he is with me. I walked right past him and went inside. I knew he was confused and I felt a little guilty, but I just wanted to get inside and not "talk about it". I walked inside and the house was a mess {we are in the middle of doing so many house projects that there is crap everywhere}. In the kitchen was a full sink of dishes and one that Drew used this morning freshly soiled on the counter. I screamed at the top of my lungs, burst into tears, and picked up the plate and slammed it into the sink {it was plastic}. I just stood in the kitchen for the next couple of seconds fuming about that dirty plate screaming cuss words so loud that every vein in my neck was bulging and I was starting to sweat.
Then like a blanket suffocating me, every "issue" I've come across in the past month+ came to the surface. Some as small as wearing the same pair of ill fitting black faded maternity pants 4 days a week and others like finding a childcare service I feel comfortable with that doesn't cost more than my monthly mortgage.
I continued to have a crappy day wishing I could call into work and just say "I really can't do it today. I cannot emotionally handle work today", but I sucked it up and went to my afternoon full of meetings.
I feel better now, but I still feel like as a working wife and mother, we are expected to do so much. I think it's easy to get overwhelemed and fear that it will just get worse when my newborn baby gets here. I'm going to make a conscience effort in the next couple of months to come up with a plan for balance. I'll share my journey with you...
Any ideas on balancing all of the struggles of being a working mom who's husband works alot would be great! Is there anything you guys have found to make your lives easier and more peaceful?
Happy Hump Day,
-jd
You know when you have one of those moments where something happens and all of the sudden daily annoyances of life, all the stress of the previous month, and any other negative feelings that you can otherwise dismiss come flooding out through every pore of your body. I categorize these moments into 'emotional meltdowns' or 'complete breakdowns'. An 'emotional meltdown' is like {for example} when you're driving home from dinner and you start thinking about the day you have to go back to work after being on maternity leave for 4 months with your sweet baby girl. You have to drop off your infant love with a total stranger and go to work and actually function knowing she is in the care of some random. Before you know it, you're driving down the road, tears streaming down your eyes. Emotional breakdowns are mainly in your head...when you think too much. They're quick and over in minutes. When you stub your toe and scream an expletive as loud as you can and then you're fine...that's emotional.
Now, a 'complete breakdown' is what I experienced today. It strums up emotions from a dark place. They can ruin an entire day...not only yours, but anyone else you come in contact with.
I had my 24 week doctor's appointment this morning. At my last docor's appointment I was told that I only had to pay $90 for our "birth plan" which would cover our deductible and the birth of the baby. Thank god. We have shelled out $1500 WITH INSURANCE so far, so to know we only had $90 left {plus 20% of any hospital bills} was reassuring. At the beginning of the year, I changed my $60/mo cheapo insurance plan to the mack daddy $150/mo insurance plan because I was getting tired of the bills rolling in of things the insurance company didn't cover.
It also must be said on a side note that I do not care for going to the doctor's. I don't ever feel confident that they know what in the hell they're talking about. I think they care equally that you are a paying patient with a job and insurance as they care for your health. I feel like Americana's with insurance and a job pay for the others that don't. I know that is probably a horrible outlook, but I just really cannot stand anything related to healthcare. I avoid doctor's like the plague. {I could write an entire other post on my views regarding this issue, but I'll spare you}
So, I stroll in totally prepared for my 30 minute wait because god for bid they actually call you back even remotely close to your appointment time. I have my magazine and I'm ready to pay my last $90 and be done with the 'baby bills' for a couple of months. I hear my name. Go up to the counter. "Six hundred and fifty nine dollars". I just stare at her and start to look behind me like "who are you talking to?". "What?" I say. "You have $675 more dollars on your birth contract and you're insurance denied another $300 something dollars worth of previous visits, blood work, etc, so you're portion today is $659". I calmly say "at my last appointment, the chick confirmed that I only had $90 more to pay". I start crying. "No, blah, blah, blah". I can't even focus on what this woman in front of me is saying. I'm sobbing and shaking and so mad that I could literally pick up the sign-in clipboard and smash it against the side of this girl's face. I'm trying not to make a scene since all of this is happening at the check in counter with a jam packed waiting room, so I calmy just say "I understand that you've checked all of this out with my insurance company and I owe the money, but do you understand why I'm livid that I was expecting to pay $90 and now you tell me I owe $659 with no notice? Can you please call me next time there is that much of a difference in what you tell me I owe so I have a little time to prepare". Get this- the girl behind the counter goes "what is the limit that you want us to call you if it differs?" in her most annoyed voice. {I'm still crying and I can feel the heat radiating off of my face}. "If you tell me I have to pay $90 and you figure out that it is actually $90.50, I want you to call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I look at her like she is quite possibly the most ignorant person I've ever come in contact with. Then I sling my credit card on the counter.
As I sit there waiting to be called back, I can feel my complete breakdown coming on. I start thinking about my hatred for the heathcare system. I run through my long ass list of things I need to do now, during, and after the baby is here. I think about work. It all hits me at once. They call me back.
It is the appointment where you have to drink that sweet drink to see if you have diabetes. {it really isn't that bad at all} The nurse asked me to sign a paper for my HIV test. I tell her I just had an HIV test. She said she knew, but that there is the option to get another one now. AM I BEING PUNKED?!?!? I'm freaking married and pregnant. Why in god's name would I need two HIV tests in a matter of 3 months?!?!? Could it POSSIBLY BE because it costs money and you can bill my insurance company. NO, I declined the test.
Back in the waiting area, I hear my name being called again. I'm ready for a fight. I whip my head around and this lady is talking about education on cord blood banking. I watch some videos on the amazing healing powers of banking your kid's cord blood. Of course, why wouldn't I want to do this. Then she tells me about the costs. I was done. I just asked her if we could discuss this another time. I knew if I went into it, I would surely regret my words, actions, or both.
Finally, I made it out. I got in my car and bawled. I call Drew. I cuss and scream and tell him what a crock of poo I think the whole morning has been. He says he's sorry. I yell at him that I'm overwhelmed and that I need his help. Somehow in that moment, it was partially his fault that I had a rotten morning. I'm still not sure how. I got home and he was still home. Normally, I would be elated and soak up every second he is with me. I walked right past him and went inside. I knew he was confused and I felt a little guilty, but I just wanted to get inside and not "talk about it". I walked inside and the house was a mess {we are in the middle of doing so many house projects that there is crap everywhere}. In the kitchen was a full sink of dishes and one that Drew used this morning freshly soiled on the counter. I screamed at the top of my lungs, burst into tears, and picked up the plate and slammed it into the sink {it was plastic}. I just stood in the kitchen for the next couple of seconds fuming about that dirty plate screaming cuss words so loud that every vein in my neck was bulging and I was starting to sweat.
Then like a blanket suffocating me, every "issue" I've come across in the past month+ came to the surface. Some as small as wearing the same pair of ill fitting black faded maternity pants 4 days a week and others like finding a childcare service I feel comfortable with that doesn't cost more than my monthly mortgage.
I continued to have a crappy day wishing I could call into work and just say "I really can't do it today. I cannot emotionally handle work today", but I sucked it up and went to my afternoon full of meetings.
I feel better now, but I still feel like as a working wife and mother, we are expected to do so much. I think it's easy to get overwhelemed and fear that it will just get worse when my newborn baby gets here. I'm going to make a conscience effort in the next couple of months to come up with a plan for balance. I'll share my journey with you...
Any ideas on balancing all of the struggles of being a working mom who's husband works alot would be great! Is there anything you guys have found to make your lives easier and more peaceful?
Happy Hump Day,
-jd
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Happiness
It's Saturday morning...one of my favorite times {the other is Sunday morning} and I am watching an Oprah show about Happiness. Isn't that what life is about? Happiness...
My typical Saturday morning consists of kissing the sweet love of my life goodbye at 7:30am {he works every Saturday}, lazing around in the bed for another 30 minutes playing with Ozzie and kind of meditating silently in bed. I get up, make coffee and waffles and sit on the sofa and watch DVR Oprah and Ellen while surfing the net for decor inspiration. Sunday morning goes about the same way, but Drew participates :) That is one of my happies = being at home with the ones I love in peace and relaxation.
It recently occurred to me that my weekend morning routine might come to a halt when baby girl gets here, so I am making it a point to soak up each and every one before that day. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm sure when that sweet baby arrives, my old favorite mornings won't even compare to the pure bliss of being with this little thing that Drew and I created, but just in case... ;)
I'm a simpleton, I know. I've grown into that and come to accept that I might not ever enjoy traveling around the world. I might always pick taking the family to the park over going to an extravagant meal. That's okay with me. Here are some other random things that come to mind when I think of what makes me happy {in no particular order}:
Sunshine: Since our recent vacation to New York, it has been confirmed that I am a 'fun in the sun' kind of girl. Cold weather is not for me. When I am outside and the sunlight is kissing me skin, I feel my soul refilling with joy. I know that sounds corny, but I consciously think about how happy I am every time I'm in good weather...a light wind blowing...
Exercise: About 4 years ago, I lost 40 lbs. It was life changing to drop that much weight, but more importantly, I learned how much better I feel when I'm active. Like the rest of the world, I struggle with this daily. I run out of time, I get tired, I make excuses, but at the end of the day I know if I am active...I feel better. I have confidence, more energy and am happier.
Dancing: Anyone who knows me knows I was born to shake my tail feather. I can be tipsy, drunk, sober, at a bar, in the house, at a wedding...I LOVE TO DANCE. Music gets in my bones and I feel it. If I hear a good song with a beat, my mood is immediately lifted.
Obviously there are a ton of other tiny little things that make me happy, but lastly, working on my home, makes me HAPPY! On that note, here are a few little beauties I found this morning:
How cute is this bathroom? I want to see the whole thing because I'm thinking the wee bit of zebra rug in the right bottom corner is probably preeeeeeeetty cute.
In my future farmhouse on acres of land...this will be my kitchen inspiration ;)
I wonder if I could panel my long entry hallway??? hahahahahahaa, just kidding, but isn't this gorgeous!?
Alright everyone. It's almost 10am...I guess I better get going for the day. I'm interested to know what make you all happy. Let us know!
Enjoy your weekend :)
-jd
My typical Saturday morning consists of kissing the sweet love of my life goodbye at 7:30am {he works every Saturday}, lazing around in the bed for another 30 minutes playing with Ozzie and kind of meditating silently in bed. I get up, make coffee and waffles and sit on the sofa and watch DVR Oprah and Ellen while surfing the net for decor inspiration. Sunday morning goes about the same way, but Drew participates :) That is one of my happies = being at home with the ones I love in peace and relaxation.
It recently occurred to me that my weekend morning routine might come to a halt when baby girl gets here, so I am making it a point to soak up each and every one before that day. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm sure when that sweet baby arrives, my old favorite mornings won't even compare to the pure bliss of being with this little thing that Drew and I created, but just in case... ;)
I'm a simpleton, I know. I've grown into that and come to accept that I might not ever enjoy traveling around the world. I might always pick taking the family to the park over going to an extravagant meal. That's okay with me. Here are some other random things that come to mind when I think of what makes me happy {in no particular order}:
Sunshine: Since our recent vacation to New York, it has been confirmed that I am a 'fun in the sun' kind of girl. Cold weather is not for me. When I am outside and the sunlight is kissing me skin, I feel my soul refilling with joy. I know that sounds corny, but I consciously think about how happy I am every time I'm in good weather...a light wind blowing...
Exercise: About 4 years ago, I lost 40 lbs. It was life changing to drop that much weight, but more importantly, I learned how much better I feel when I'm active. Like the rest of the world, I struggle with this daily. I run out of time, I get tired, I make excuses, but at the end of the day I know if I am active...I feel better. I have confidence, more energy and am happier.
Dancing: Anyone who knows me knows I was born to shake my tail feather. I can be tipsy, drunk, sober, at a bar, in the house, at a wedding...I LOVE TO DANCE. Music gets in my bones and I feel it. If I hear a good song with a beat, my mood is immediately lifted.
Obviously there are a ton of other tiny little things that make me happy, but lastly, working on my home, makes me HAPPY! On that note, here are a few little beauties I found this morning:
How cute is this bathroom? I want to see the whole thing because I'm thinking the wee bit of zebra rug in the right bottom corner is probably preeeeeeeetty cute.
In my future farmhouse on acres of land...this will be my kitchen inspiration ;)
I wonder if I could panel my long entry hallway??? hahahahahahaa, just kidding, but isn't this gorgeous!?
Alright everyone. It's almost 10am...I guess I better get going for the day. I'm interested to know what make you all happy. Let us know!
Enjoy your weekend :)
-jd
Friday, December 31, 2010
A look back...
With tomorrow being the 1st day of the new year Two Thousand and Eleven, I wanted to take a look back on the past year because what a year it has been. In '09, I was living in this 1 bedroom, 800 square foot apartment with my "boyfriend", Drew. We were happy, but had big dreams that were about to come true.
On June 10th 2009, my boyfriend--best friend--love of my life proposed to me in the top level of the parking garage at work. I said "hell yea" and was off to plan a wedding.
We decided to look for a home of our own. We were able to save a little bit of money from living in our little apartment for over two years and felt the time was right. After almost a year of searching, we finally signed a contract to built our very first home!
Which brings me to
2010!
We rung in the new year with construction on our lot! We visited our lot weekly to check out the house progress.
Trying to plan a wedding and built a house all at the same time was a wee bit stressful, but I did it and we had a great time!
My grandmother held a wonderful couples bridal shower for us.
Mother's Day was awesome this year with both of our families together. I sure am a lucky girl with the best in-laws.
Christy hosted our rehearsal dinner and so many of our friends and family were there. Perfect!
On April 3rd, we got hitched!
Some other highlights of this year include:
- My baby sister graduating high school and leaving for college {on a scholarship!}
-Drew and I both turned 28 years old
-I got a new car {RIP silver bullet}
-Last, but not least...
We conceived a child!
Whew, what a year. I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. I am looking forward to a bigger and better 2011. You've got some stiff competition New Year!
Go out and Celebrate tonight!
-jd
Thursday, June 17, 2010
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